Not everything has to be figured out in your early 20s
I put so much pressure on myself at that time to know where I was going and what I was doing for the rest of my life. Every decision felt huge: grad school, dating or not, where to live, what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wish I’d understood the grace of allowing things to shift, of being flexible, of having breathing room. It all felt very heavy in my 20s. My 30s and the first few months of my 40s have been so much more relaxed. I finally learned to find the decision that feels peaceful – not right or advantageous or logical, but peaceful. It’s made all the difference.
Go with what makes your heart sing
It’s the best piece of advice I received. Following other people’s advice, including my father’s, resulted in misery. Following that piece of advice has given me experiences and joys beyond what I could have dreamed of. I’m 64 and wish I was 21 receiving that advice now.
Think about what job you really want
I got cold feet about going into journalism, mainly due to shyness. I decided book publishing was a safer option, which it wasn’t. I’ve ended up writing for a living anyway after working in corporate PR. I’d nudge my younger self to have more self-belief and to think about what I really wanted.
Take up ballet at a young age
I began learning ballet at 62, and it’s the best exercise for my body and mind. I love the beauty, enjoy the immense challenges and the music, artistry and camaraderie of older women and younger, practising art for the joy of movement. It has given me a lean and strong body in which to grow old. My dance studio is right on the ocean, so we see dolphin pods swim by!
Retain that fire inside you
I would warn my younger self to retain parts of that angry and honest fire she had inside her. If my younger self had an issue, she would address it head-on, without fear of the repercussions. Over time, she will become a bit of a people-pleaser and allow her boundaries to erode. I would say to her: do not change this part of you, because right now, you are desperately trying to get it back.
Spend less on alcohol
I wish I had spent less money and time drinking alcohol and sitting in pubs. I’m now teetotal and feel much healthier. I was never an alcoholic, but I was a social drinker. I was spending far too much on alcohol, but my main reason for cutting back was for health. Since then, I have lost five stone with diet and exercise.
Ambition and status won’t make you happy in the long term
True contentment comes from knowing and accepting yourself. I felt as though I was constantly chasing ambition and status, which were based more on what other people were doing, or worrying what other people thought of me, rather than exploring what I actually wanted to do with my life. I think you can endlessly chase status and career ambitions, but I realised they are never satisfying or lead to any sense of contentment or peace, which I aim for now.
Partake in some form of exercise
At school, I was always the wheezing kid hobbling laps around our state grammar school field. I never fitted in there anyway, being brought up on benefits and living in a single-parent household. In my teens and early 20s, my habits worsened. I smoked 20 rolled cigarettes a day, drank above the recommended limits, took drugs, and my health suffered for it. My weight yo-yoed, I had fatigue and often felt out of sorts. During the pandemic, I lived with my now wife, who is an avid runner, and finally got to the bottom of the issue. I’d developed a deep fear of exercise, made worse by a condition called “exercise-induced asthma” (a type of bronchoconstriction). Having started with Couch to 5k and a programme of gruelling YouTube workout videos, I now lift heavy weights three times a week, regularly hike, cold water swim, go to the bouldering wall and run. My life is immeasurably better for it. I can’t take back those years of horrible habits, but I’m overjoyed that I now have exercise in my life.
Have the courage to walk away
You don’t have to take on responsibility for other people to value yourself. If what you are doing is leaving you depleted, joyless and anxious, then it’s doing you no good. Have the courage to walk away. This would have saved me a great deal of stress and heartache in relationships and, if I’d had the sense to listen, it would have led to a change of career or at least a different approach to my work.
Success is built in the repetition of small things
I wish the younger version of me had understood that it’s not the big, flashy stuff that wins, but the consistency of small – often boring – things. My younger self couldn’t bear to believe that sticking at something long-term was the answer. I was always on to the next thing – I think it’s called shiny object syndrome these days. I was great at starting things, but I quickly lost interest. If only I’d stuck at the things I started, I’d be in a better position than I am now.
Nobody cares what you do with your life
Nobody’s paying attention to what you do. Nobody’s keeping track. I was a good girl. Got good grades. Went to a good law school. Practised law for almost 30 years. Ate right. Married. Raised two kids. Exercised. Recycled. Composted. Volunteered. I did everything I was supposed to do, according to the standards set for me by the society and culture that I was raised in during the latter part of the 20th century. Once I retired and let my hair grow out naturally grey (and so became invisible to that same society and culture), I realised that nobody cared. Nobody was keeping track of what I did! There was no big prize at the end for people like me who followed all the rules and did what we were supposed to do with our lives.